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| it's like i'm house touring-and Nas, yes i can. harsh night on brandon's couch. fattied up on their pizza, cheesecake, gatorade and danimals smoothies. (like the pure straberry one better). came back to base to shower, brush, and catch up on forums. negotiations and napping. met up with brandon and kret at fenny's, saw some familiar faces, saw a dog eat hair. headed to fye to look for aerosmith hero, then borders to chill. apparently there was porno in the kids section. blew some time playin games-lost 4 straight, then vengeance wins. picked up dinner at HKE, then headed fer TWIGS. a revealed dinner=screwed up on the order, bean sprout extravaganza...yuck. basketball fer an hour or 2-lost another big game. gotta get back in shape, too much poundage in the gut. back to base again, no drink or nothin, water makes my stomach angry. gonna figure out what to do tmr and the day after. =============================================== the joker is right: why so serious? gotta learn to take it in stride again, that what i've been doings is games. however, if you're gonna do somethin, put your all into it, no half-assing, learn to get better, be strong in it. got an inner anger problem, might be a psychosis. it's self-diagnosis, but i believe i'd take it above the limits if i were given the chance. control has been both a want and a crave. need to be confronted on all angles and all dimensions. =============================================== the workers are few, but the harvest is bountiful =) | | |
| laundry day and i look like a dope. decided to go back to some old games, and aye..at least my mind is intact. nothing real good came through the mail, still waiting for thing and my friend's thing, etc. went to 88 to help gather stuff fer PD cooking. that supermarket has some of the weirdest and most confusing items ever, particularly in the meat section-rarbitt, osum? (can't rember) and the ever laughable cock testicle, no lie.
meal was alrigh-a lotta work but we got it done. came back to base, decided to burn some time gaming, got caught up, didn't make it to see batman. will try tmr pending preparation and motivation. =============================================== as i walked back from BCEC since it didn't seem like nothin was gon happen after thing, realized how doomed my life could be, that perhaps it's the end of the line. my dream won't come true-no legacy found, drowned out by both music, noise, and the occasion search for materials and wealth. it's that i can't appeal to the masses, that i'm out of touch and out of time. people are caught up, and found reasons to "stay alive". not stay alive in the sense that, "oh, i got nothin left, so i'm gonna die", but more "i fear dying because i have these obligations, these goals to fulfill, these people to take care of". from a man who has little and wouldi want his people to know that he's out there, everythin on the table fer them...i want them to see and understand. when serving other ppl, i dunno...i think it's a feelin of burn out? no, wait. it's somethin like i wanna make them feel good, and i put myself at the expense, and that's ok. but, at the end of the night, everyone's takin the gain, and i got nothin to show for it. i lie on the bed, dreamin and hopin that the steps i took yesterday and each day is not for naught. that i built up not an idol or whatnot, but that i was doin somethin worthy to glorify. and whether or not if it's blind faith or naiveness or desparation, it's somethin that's been strikin me at the end of these gatherings. i push on, not knowing, sometimes not caring or caring to the point where it's now not my life anymore. but again, perhaps it's meant to be this way. maybe in some sadistic way, i'm self-prophesizing as a martyr to all this...garbage around me. it's probably the humidity that's getting to me =/ ================================================ as for now, all i can do is boast in what i don't have. | | |
| 3 more days until i see the fruition or failure of my preps. woke up, checked some mail, headed to copley, went to somerville then came back to base. apparently i'm more heat tolerant than others... ================================================ while walkin back from the T since my pass ran out before i could transfer, i thought of the lil incident today where one of my friends sold somethin for much less than it's worth. some ppl got pissed, and a whole chain reaction of events occured. later we find out he didn't actually sell it... what struck me is what actions i took as well as others. the actions of ppl who went out of their way to deceive us, the emotional instability of a friend, and me moving on some with a lil bit of compassion. it only illustrated how pertinent it is to have control-whether of resources, people, life. noticed that i haven't been praying, reading or attending church as much. what i initially attributed to it is a people problem or incompatibility, and that i keep on hanging out with ppl. the real issue is not only that, but also that the world around me doesn't remind me that there's something more out there. the world has been deluding me with fun and accomplishments and little games and such, and it doesn't make mention of God, higher power, a greater need that must be fulfilled. in my time of need, i must be reminded....before i pitfall into spiritual oblivion ================================================ knowledge can be false
wisdom can be absurd
common sense can be taken too absolute has my whole life been in ruin? | | |
| 7 hours of sleep-my best record this week, and still extremely tired. what a suck morning-woke up at 8:30 and blew the morning playing games. debated on whether or not to go to service, and the deciding factor was what i was feelin last week through both twigs. sunday school fell asleep in-was about our thoughts on heaven. continued to sit with new ppl this week, but unfortunately all of them were new to me and they were all familiar with one another =/ viet sub again fer lunch, but hung out with some ppl while they ate as well. lemme tell you this-i tol them from experience: Pho Hoa SUCKS. terrible service, ambiguous tasting food, unkempt servers, and people who can't calculate the bill correctly. came back to base, entertained a guest, then headed to supermarket. finally got some road time. came back, dropped off the groceries and then went in search of Upper Crust for dinner. lost on the way there, drove up the sidewalk, and clipped a cab. factors to the accident:
-my hunger
-nagging voice in the passenger seat
-a suck designed road (rutland and columbus)
-a cab who was rushing to his fare pizza from Upper Crust was ok, but less than desired. tryin to find a video mentioned from wiki right now. =============================================== righteous anger is what i'm feelin now. it's due to a bunch of ppl voicing sub-standard opinions. however, i need to take a step back, get some sleep, then reboot my mind. =============================================== perhaps it was best this way. | | |
| losing my touch-wore shorts in public twice this week... after goin to copley, went and came back from somerville, stayed over at a friend's place. ended up playin guitar hero for 7 hours total. back to base at 5:30 PM. caught up on some business and updates, then took a nap. counted out some points and still awake now. =============================================== tests of loyalty coming up very soon. in about 2 weeks, i need to be ready physically and mentally. i'm being called to be the man i want to be. =============================================== all i want to do is listen to what you have to say. | | |
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